Rated R

Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman

Starring Scott Glenn, Harvey Keitel, Jonathan Brandis and a bunch of people you won’t recognize

Heidi’s Illustrious Review: 0.5

Word of Warning: This movie is terrible, awful, dreadful, horrible and overall really, really bad.

It is embarrassing to admit that I actually watched this movie (in its entirety). We had seen the name on a list of movies filmed in Puerto Vallarta. Since we’ve been there and have been craving a little sand, a little surf and a ice cold Corona, we put Puerto Vallarta Squeeze in our Netflix queue.

It is hard to describe how bad this movie is (you’d have to see it to fully understand – I dare you). The writing is bad, the acting is terrible and the sets are just plain dorky. I kept thinking and saying aloud, “Who wrote this and who actually decided to make it into a movie?” The main character is a down and out American writer living in Puerto Vallarta who may be the worst actor I have ever seen on the big screen (I will refer to him as Worst Actor of All-Time). I have seen community theater actors who have ten times his acting ability. Worst Actor of All-Time and his Mexican girlfriend, Maria, witness an assassination on the Puerto Vallarta waterfront. 

The assassin (Scott Glenn) knows they saw him commit the murder and hires the two of them to drive him to the United States border. The three embark on a cross-country road trip that leads to lighting some bikers on fire, murdering some Mexican police officers and general butt-kicking by Scott Glenn and a lot of running around and screaming like a girl by Worst Actor of All-Time. All the while, the three are being pursued by Harvey Keitel’s character and insanely bad actor sidekick, Jonathan Brandis. Eventually Maria realizes she’s in love with the assassin and they make it across the border to live a long and happy life in the mountains of Oregon, leaving Worst Actor of All-Time to presumably drown himself in vats of tequila (which I assume he may actually be doing in real life).

The plot made absolutely no sense (and not in that artsy independent film way). The movie is only set in Puerto Vallarta for about fifteen minutes and then the rest looks like it was filmed in the back lots of a Hollywood set, maybe where they filmed Gilligan’s Island. There are no redeeming qualities in this movie – not one. Puerto Vallarta Squeeze may actually take the #1 spot in my Worst Movies of All Time category. Right up there with King Ralph (1991).